June
25, 2003:
Amazing, this is the closest to a last post that i
have ever had, only a month and a day!
I posted a "splash page" for my
alternative lifestyle community website today. Pretty exciting huh?
Well, things are going well, slow but well. I wrote the gif validation
routines during my vacation, finding irony that while I was on vacation and not
supposed to be working, there I sat, dillegently working on my other
projects.
Bah! Atleast I got alot of stuff done. You can go
there and sign up for my developer diary, which will be updated alot more than
this will that much I can say. I'm also going through and debating how
many initial free accounts I should give away. I know that it should be a
few hundred, but I don't know how many of a few hundreds. Annoying... I
don't like not knowing stuff.
Anyway, if you are interested, the url is
http://www.moderndeviant.com
Until next time...
May
24, 2003:
Why do I only write when I'm depressed and thinking?
I'm supposed to be at a show tonight, a show that should by all rights be really
good, but I just can't pick myself up off the chair I'm sitting in at the
moment. Its wierd that normally I'm a pretty happy person until I start
thinking about stuff and surfing the web. Damn, what a lonely world we
live in when half my email is spam for wife swapping porn sites and personal
sites so that you can find "the one". Well, the one exists only in the
matrix apparently.
Strangely enough, I have no problem meeting women, so
thats not causing pains for lonliness. Nah, its that whole thing where I
make a better friend than a lover apparently, which I guess is better than
nothing.
A friend of mine died on may 17th. Her name was Jen, and
while we weren't all that close and had grown apart, I still find myself
thinking about her alot now.... wierd. I wonder if I just up and died,
would anyone even FIND me considering I live alone or would I just rot away
until my rent didn't get paid? I know it would be the talk of the town
just because of the serious drama it would create, and ya know, goths do love
their drama. I wonder if people would still miss me after I was gone
sometimes. A few no doubt would, my super close friends, the ones that
really know me for who I am, the rest, I really don't care about. The
question almost drives me to blow off my head and stick around to see who
laments... but thats not the most practical thing now is it.
Maybe I'm
just depressed becuase of my working 16+ hours a day and the fact that someone
kinda close to me died recently and that my apartment, large as it is, makes me
feel just a little lonely sometimes. I like it quiet for the most part,
but there are thresholds for everything, and for just once I wish I could cuddle
up to someone and smell thier hair while we watch a movie. I want the
corniest things apparently lately.
For the first time in two years I
talked to my last girlfriend Kelly. It was a nice conversation, and
considering that I get along with all my ex girlfriends (like all two or three
of them), I wasn't surprised that it was pleasant. I'm glad that she is
doing well, moreso than she may realize. I couldn't make her happy, so I'm
glad that the boy she is currently with can, its something I just couldn't
figure out how to do. I think though that it was a little wierd talking to
me, hearing me talk to her about her current boyfriend and not being a "weird
ex" about it. I guess I just maintain my fond memories of when we dated, I
just want to see her happy... so if he hurts her I'll have to kick his ass or
some other manly type thing.
Looking at this, I wonder if this will be my
last entry of the year, or for that matter my last entry on this site
period.
Probabally..........
November 11, 2002:
I am on VACATION! What a rare event that
is! My birthday was last night, which makes me a whole 28 years old... and
damn, this morning I started feeling it. Yea, we all went and saw hocico
and haujobb which was a damn blast, but you'd think that I still have enough
youthful energy to not be destroyed by a night out.
well, I guess
I DID dance a hell of a lot, both at the show and the after show
party.
So now I'm sitting here, being bored since I don't reallly
have anywhere to GO on vacation. Maybe I'll just sit around in my jammies
all damn day for a week or so, eat chocolate, watch movies (which I still need
to return... late as usual) and visit my parents. I dunno, I'm not good
with vacations unless I'm actually sitting somewhere with toes in sand or
something along those lines. Maybe next year, I'll take some time off and
go somewhere warm during the winter.
Thats all for
now...
Joshua
May 14,
2002:
Damn, I can never get over how little I update this site
sometimes. This is my first redesign in nearly 3 years, and I have to say,
its a much needed change. I'm debating if I should take my old site and
archive it so that people can see what it used to look like... hell, so that I
can see what it used to look like. I'll have to see how much ambition I
have.
December 31, 2001 -
7PM:
Its new years eve. I was out late last night
at Whiplash in Chicago, and didn't get out of bed until very late this
afternoon. I've been listening to trancy experimental stuff all day long,
and currently have T.A.G.C. - Iso-Erotic Calibrations playing a bit louder than
it should be.
Mercurius is such a cool song, especially loud.
An interesting year its been, filled with ups and downs, just
like any other year. This year was a little different though. I
started and ended a relationship with a wonderful woman, whom I wish the
best. I've come to enjoy my life more than I used to, and I still have a
really good job in a shit economy in which many other technology people have not
been so fortunate. I've met some incredible people and made new friends
and I hope they will last for a long time.
Tonight I feel
peaceful. Whether its the music that I'm listening to, the hot salt bath I
plan on relaxing in, or my long rest from a fun evening... I don't
care.
joshua
July
29th 2001:
Seems my yearly site edit has come to pass. Seems I
only look at this site when I'm depressed and/or lonely or when something
significant starts to change for me. I guess that this time around its a
little of everything above.
Since my last update
things have started to go down the shitter I guess. I'm starting to crawl
inside myself again because it's strange to yearn for companionship, never to
find it, but still keep fighting, knowing that there really isn't anyone out
there for you. Where does this unforeseen tenacity come from?
That whole "there's someone out there for everyone" shit that they feed you,
well, its exactly that... shit. The only place that I seem to meet anyone
even remotely compatible is online, and we all know where that tends to
lead. Its too damn hard when I live where I live, and the other person
lives 3000 miles in the exact opposite direction.
Sometimes I
really wonder why I get up in the morning.
Joshua
Sometime in September of 2000:
Things have changed much since I first
made this site nearly 8 months ago. My job, friendships and other things
that define my existence have all seemed to start 'coming together' for
once. Not like everything is a box of chocolates, but for the most part my
battles with depression, loneliness, and self destructive tendencies have faded
into near nothingness.
I seem to be in this strange little period
in my life where I've come to accept myself for who I am much more than I used
to. Maybe its my getting older mentally and physically (damn, I'm going to
be 26 on November 9th), the stresses of my job whittling away my desire to let
things bother me so much, or just the fact that I don't mind being alone as much
as I used to, though it still would be nice to have someone to be mushy with
while watching movies over a roaring fireplace *sigh*.
Instead of
moping around, I just want to enjoy the little things that I have in my
life. My close friends, my mom and to a degree my job have helped so much
to help bring balance into my life... I owe them much. This has been the
hardest year of my life, and I feel that for once I am at peace with myself...
Albeit an 'intense' peace *smile*.
So I sit here now, relaxed,
sipping some hot apple cider and reflecting on how I was not so long ago, and
wonder how I managed. I stare at this website, wondering what to write and
procrastinating its update, but when I actually start to change things, it all
seems to fall into place somehow.
I've changed a lot in a short
period of time.
Sometimes change is good...
Joshua